Why uncertainty isn’t a sign you’re not ready to start therapy.

You want help, but the idea of talking to a therapist makes you nervous. You need more time… right?

Whether you’re in Denver, Colorado or Brooklyn, New York, the idea of finding the right therapist and starting psychotherapy can bring up feelings of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. As a clinical psychologist and former therapy client (yes, therapists go to therapy, too) I get it.  

I was in my mid-twenties the first time I went to therapy. I had been feeling adrift and anxious for a while and I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know exactly what. Therapy wasn’t something I knew anything about besides what I had seen in movies or on television. When I finally found myself sitting across from a counselor, I was so nervous that when she asked me how old I was, I gave the wrong age. I felt exposed, like she had X-ray vision that allowed her to see my every thought.

Looking back, I feel compassion for my younger self and know how brave I was to seek support. Now that I’m a psychologist, I recognize that same courage in the people I treat. (I can also report that I have not gained X-ray vision!) Most people don’t want to come therapy if they don’t have to, and those who call me do it because nothing else they’ve tried has worked. That’s a great place to start.

It’s normal to be ambivalent about therapy, no matter how much you’re struggling. It represents the unknown, and we humans prefer to stick with what’s familiar even when it’s making us feel bad. At least then we know what we’re dealing with. Making the choice to start therapy is a commitment to yourself, and also to the possibility of change. That leads to all kinds of worries that often stop us before we’ve even started: What if I don’t like the therapist? What if therapy doesn’t help? What if talking about tough stuff makes me feel worse? What if I start blaming my parents for everything? Who will I be if I change?

Here are a few facts to ease your worry:

1.     You get to decide if your therapist isn’t a good fit after one session or five or twenty. If you don’t feel comfortable with him/her/them, you can try someone else.

2.     You can stop therapy whenever you choose. If it isn’t feeling helpful, you can (and should) talk to your therapist, ask for a referral to a different clinician, or end treatment.

3.     Talking about tough stuff is, well, tough, but a skilled therapist will go at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm you and will support you at every step. You will at times feel raw or vulnerable, but you will also gain the support, resilience, and self-awareness you need to move forward.

4.     Exploring aspects of your past—like how you were parented—can be an important part of recognizing how those experiences have shaped your beliefs about the world, and the way you interact with it. Until you can see your own patterns, you can’t change them. But the goal is to gain the awareness necessary to make healthy choices in the present, not to blame other people or stay stuck in the past.

5.     Therapy doesn’t change you into a totally different person. It does help you reconnect to the “you” that may have gotten buried under other people’s expectations or your own beliefs about how you “should” be, so that you can be present in your relationships and create a life that is more fulfilling.