A Rough Labor and Delivery Isn’t the End of Your Story
For some mothers, the first time they ever look into their baby’s eyes happens seconds after they’ve experienced a traumatic labor and delivery. In the weeks that follow, they hide feelings of anger, shame, and grief—powerful emotions that make it difficult to enjoy or bond with the baby. While friends and family gush over the infant, women who have had a traumatic childbirth suffer silently, believing they are alone. But a rough start isn’t the end of the end of the story—it’s not even the full story.
With the help of a therapist, new mothers can create a more nuanced birth story, one that highlights moments of courage and resilience that have been buried under an avalanche of shame. (Every mother demonstrates those qualities just by getting through such a challenging experience.) Therapy is also a place where they can explore feelings honestly and without judgment. They can grieve the loss of the wonderful birth experience they had imagined and, with support, face a reality that was emotionally and physically painful. Most importantly, psychotherapy can help women reframe post traumatic stress as an experience separate from who they are as parents—and see how they and their babies are facing that challenge together.
New moms often report that the most painful aspect of their traumatic delivery is how it has prevented them from connecting to their babies. It’s not uncommon for parenting tasks like holding or soothing the baby to provoke intense feelings of overwhelm and anxiety, or for the child’s birthday celebration to be eclipsed by memories of the traumatic birth experience. These mothers are relieved to learn that they are not doomed to a lifetime of feeling disconnected from their children, and that resolving aspects of the traumatic experience with the help of a mental health professional can shift and deepen their relationship to their babies.
As a clinical psychologist who has treated many such women, I know isolation compounds their suffering. I wish they knew how many other new mothers share their experience; between 9.6 and 27.3 percent report clinically significant symptoms of post traumatic stress related to childbirth. I wish women realized that they are not at fault, and that many life factors are associated with a traumatic labor and delivery: a history of trauma or mental health issues like depression, anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder, a medically complicated delivery, and a lack of social support.
If you have experienced a traumatic labor and delivery:
Seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in perinatal mental health. If you live in an area with limited access to mental health resources, don’t be discouraged. Many therapists offer online therapy sessions. In Colorado or New York, online therapy is offered through Begin Psychotherapy. Postpartum Support International also offers a directory of therapists specializing in perinatal mental health issues.
Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to someone you trust and who is a good listener and tell them that you are struggling. If you worry that you will be a burden, remember that when you are feeling better, you can pass on that support to another new mom who needs it.
Remember you are doing your best, and that things won’t always feel this hard. Help is out there, and you can heal.
